A Simple Octopus
by Jeran
Summary: Doctor House is perplexed by a delivery to the hospital. Oneshot.


"Where do you want this?"

It had been a bright, sunny day, and now the sun was setting on Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. The fading light fell through the expansive lobby, where a doctor there, Gregory House, was signing a few more papers before leaving. Gregory House looked up, to see who was asking such a vague question.

It was clearly a delivery man, looking harried, as delivery men often do, like they're in **such a big hurry**. In one arm, he held a clipboard, which he waved at Doctor House, and under the other arm he held...an octopus?

"Is that an octopus?" Doctor House asked, asking the first thing that came to mind. The delivery man stared at him, glanced at the octopus under his arm, and nodded.

"Yeah, where do y'want it?"

"I didn't order an octopus. Who ordered an octopus? Where would someone go about ordering an octopus? What kind of company delivers octopuses?" Doctor House assaulted the man with questions. The delivery man blinked.

"Octopi." He corrected, and walked off.

Doctor House was left to his thoughts and unanswered questions. Well, to be fair, he reasoned, it was a lot of questions. Because who would have an octopus delivered to the hospital? A rather large one, at that. The delivery man would soon tire of carrying it, Doctor House thought, quite logically. But really. Who orders octopus at this time of the day? Doctor House figured this mystery needed investigating. He set off in search of the octopus delivery man.

Where does one deliver an octopus, Doctor House asked himself. The cafeteria? An aquarium? The gift shop? Doctor House used his amazing deduction skills and decided the cafeteria kitchen might be a good place to check. Perhaps they were going to cook calamari? What a peculiar thing to make at a hospital.

At the cafeteria, Doctor House snooped around. Doctor House's definition of snooping around was asking everyone if they had seen an octopus anywhere lately, perhaps? He did not receive any helpful answers; in fact, most were alarmed of him and advised Doctor House to go away.

He inquired of the kitchen staff, "Are we having any...calamari...today?" with a rather conspicuous pause around 'calamari' and with a certain affection

to the word. The workers gave him a blank look, a look he was rather used to receiving.

"No."

"Are you...positive?" He asked again, squinting his eyes and raising and lowering his eyebrows very quickly, as if to convey a super-secret message super-secretly.

Now the worker began to get angry. "Yeah, I'm sure...what's wrong with your face?"

Doctor House went away, dejected.

A companion of Doctor House's, James Wilson, was seated at a nearby table in the cafeteria. Doctor House sat down next to his friend and stared at him.

"Have you seen a man with an octopus?" He asked, very seriously.

Doctor Wilson replied, with the same amount of seriousness, yet somewhat offhandedly, "Yeah, saw him 'bout half an hour ago, heading to the Psych Ward..."

Doctor House rejoiced. "Really?"

"No." Doctor Wilson said, crushing Doctor House's happiness.

"Aw." Doctor House sighed.

Doctor Wilson, between bites of a sandwich, remarked, "_You_'ll be heading to the Psych Ward, soon enough."

Doctor House frowned at him. "Your _mom's _heading to the Psych Ward."

Doctor Wilson rolled his eyes, scoffing, "What does that even mean?" as Doctor House, giggling, shuffled off. To the Psych Ward. Therein lied a good theory--

What kind of person would order an octopus? _A crazy person_.

"Hello," Doctor House began, poking his head into a patient's room in the psych ward. This one looked crazy enough, he reasoned. "Did you happen to order

an octopus?"

The man on the bed glanced away from the television, appearing gleeful, "Why? Did he come?"

"Er, yes." Doctor House said, raising an eyebrow and thinking it couldn't be _this_ easy. "Pray tell, what size...of octopus did you order?"

The man thought a moment. "A baby octopus. In a little glass bowl. I shall name him after you. What is your name, kind sir?" The man had to yell, as Doctor House left as quickly as possible and couldn't hear him anymore.

The next three patients also claimed that had ordered octopi. Now, this couldn't nearly be a coincidence.

Doctor House returned to the cafeteria to consult his good friend, Doctor Wilson. By this time, Doctor Wilson had finished his sandwich and gone to his office--

however, another of Doctor House's companions was also there, a certain Eric Foreman.

"Doctor Foreman!" Doctor House cried, from across the room, so overjoyed he was to find his good colleague. Doctor Foreman shook his head and motioned for him

to stay away. Doctor House came to him, anyway.

"Doctor Foreman," he began, but was interrupted with, "No."

"Oh." Doctor House sighed, looking very sad.

Doctor Foreman glared.

"Have you seen an octopus?" Doctor House continued.

Doctor Foreman continued to glare.

"Is that a no? Or a yes? I really cannot tell, Doctor Foreman, you're so ambiguous! And adorable. Really, though. An octopus? Anywhere? Has it seemed anyone has even smelled like an octopus, recently? I mean, Doctor Chase always does, but besides that. This is a very important matter."

Doctor Foreman, now with a look of indignant anger, shook his head. "No."

"All...right then, Doctor Foreman. It was pleasure working with you."

Damn that Foreman and his unfeeling callousness! All Doctor House wanted to do was FIND AN OCTOPUS. And Doctor Foreman couldn't even TRY to lend a helping

hand? DAMN HIM.

Doctor House figured maybe Doctor Cameron might know where The Mysterious Octopus might be, but he didn't feel like getting into a conversation with her right now. Or ever, really. He settled on wandering the halls and asking anyone if they had seen a man with an octopus. He had decided to add 'the man with the octopus' part, because why would an octopus be wandering around a hospital? Why!? Doctor House was on the third floor--he was working his way up-- and had had no positive answers, yet. But he did not give up hope! Like freakin' Indiana Jones or something, man.

Halfway through the third floor--the nurses hadn't seen any octopus except that eight-armed guy that Doctor House was pretty sure they made up-- a voice called out, "HOUSE." It wasn't very loud, yet everyone could hear it. It was very commanding and authoritative, yet very annoying.

Doctor House turned around. "Doctor Cuddy! Have YOU seen this octopus? I don't actually have a picture; it's just a circle and squiggly lines. I drew it with crayons all by myself. Mommy will be so proud." Doctor House did, indeed, have a drawing of the octopus with him.

"You're crazy. There is no octopus. Get back to work and shut up." Doctor Cuddy, hospital administrator AND a doctor, commanded.

Doctor House shrugged helplessly. "Oh, well. Since you said so..."

Doctor Cuddy frowned, worriedly. "Really?"

"NO. Now where's this octopus at? WAS IT YOU? WAS THIS WHOLE THING YOUR IDEA? WHY'D YOU DO IT, CUDDY!? OR SHOULD I SAY...LISA!" Doctor House shouted needlessly.

"What are you even talking about? There IS NO octopus. It is all in your drug-addled head. Get sober and back to work, Doctor House."

"THIS OCTOPUS! WHERE IS HE? WHERE ARE YOU KEEPING HIM?"

"Listen, House, do you want me to call security or will you--"

Their rather magnificent argument was interrupted by a looking delivery man. He was more tired looking then earlier. He was standing there, with the octopus

under his arm, and waving his clipboard at Doctor Cuddy. "Can you sign for this, ma'm?"

Doctor Cuddy glanced at the clipboard, grabbed it and signed it. "Thank you." she said, smiling. The man handed her the octopus. Doctor Cuddy, holding the

octopus rather awkwardly, looked at Doctor House, who had a look of shock and insanity on his shocked and crazy face.

"What?" Doctor Cuddy asked.

"...THAT OCTOPUS." He stated, matter-of-factly. "I have been looking for THAT octopus."

"This one? Oh, I couldn't tell because your picture is so off. Now, get back to work, House."

Doctor Cuddy wandered off. Doctor House, along with the octopi delivery man, lingered.

"Man. That octopus was heavy." The man said, and, stretching his arms, walked off.

"This..." Doctor House shouted, to nobody in particular, "IS A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE OF AN OCTOPUS AND VERY ACCURATE ONE. THANK YOU."

--

Author's Note: Yeah, so. This was just a random idea that popped into my head, when I was about to take a nap. Oh yes. I take NAPS. It didn't take me long to write it. I had to fit it in before dinner (CHICKEN MCNUGGETS NOMNOMOM) and _Quantum Leap_ (FRICKING. LOVE. THAT. SHOW.) I'm sorry it's so short. And I'm also sorry I haven't written anything...in a while (to my devoted readers: please don't hate my guts). Er. Feedback is nice. Reviews, right..

Something else: me and my best fanfic buddy KibaSin and best buddy in real life, too (REAL NAME: NOT KIBA! (she could protest that my name? also not really jeran. sorry to shatter illusions.)) are going to be doing a joint fanfic story. I tease her about her inability to write a short story or a joke-- but she's a good writer (probably better then me) (even if all she writes, I think, is anime and manga fics--how _thrill_ing) and we're...yeah, I said, doing a joint story. I write one chapter, then she does, then me...Kiba, are we going to put that story up on this site? I think so. I better end this note before, uhm, it's actually longer then the story...so. Thanks for reading (or skipping to the end to read this, what are you DOING?)...did anyone read _Breaking Dawn_? Man. That book SUCKED. Discuss.


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